Deception

Why does hiding my life from my parents come so easily now?

I am disgustingly cold toward them, appreciate nothing they give me, hold them at arm's distance constantly, and do not reciprocate their love.

Why?

Has it just become habit after years of simply not telling them what I actually do?

Do I fear that opening myself up to anybody will hurt both of us?
Do I judge them because I see too much of myself in them?

Do I simply think they don't understand me and never will?
Do I hate them because I don't know who better to hate?
Do I hate them?

Do I set my expectations of them too high?
Do I blame them for my own faults?

Am I incapable of empathy?

Am I incapable of love?

Logical Progression

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

What am I living for? I'm a little middle-class Asian kid whose parents want him to be the typical math/science grind. I have no leadership qualities whatsoever. Am I ever going to amount to anything?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Fuck, I'm not going to amount to anything. I know that. Anybody who cares knows that. Fuck, what am I going to do, change the world? Colleges know that. Do they want another reclusive little fuck who isn't going to do shit?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

I'm going to end up in a dead-end job somewhere where I'll be commemorated for being able to follow directions. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why I couldn't do better.

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Can I help people? Couldn't I, you know, become a doctor or something? Fuck yeah, and how many people would I actually help? If I'm not there, someone else will fill that spot. I'm not special. I find it difficult to accept that. What kills people isn't disease, it's other people. War. Complacency. Elitism. Fuck. I can't reform humanity. Why can't I?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

The Comedian had it right. There's nothing I can do but laugh at this sick joke. I wish I didn't know.