Deception

Why does hiding my life from my parents come so easily now?

I am disgustingly cold toward them, appreciate nothing they give me, hold them at arm's distance constantly, and do not reciprocate their love.

Why?

Has it just become habit after years of simply not telling them what I actually do?

Do I fear that opening myself up to anybody will hurt both of us?
Do I judge them because I see too much of myself in them?

Do I simply think they don't understand me and never will?
Do I hate them because I don't know who better to hate?
Do I hate them?

Do I set my expectations of them too high?
Do I blame them for my own faults?

Am I incapable of empathy?

Am I incapable of love?

On Cubes

I wish the world was more like cubing. Give me a problem and a few minutes, a few turns in the right order, and hey! problem solved. I was never good at solving problems.

Life's more like a cube where somebody's messed up the stickers for you, or tried to cheat at it and now the stickers are falling off, or one of those that you just can't turn.

fffff

Phoebe says Ms. Mills sucks.

Logical Progression 3

Fuck, why am I such a cocky bastard to assume that the world even needs any bit of my help in the first place?

Logical Progression 2

GUYS SELF ESTEEM IS HARD WHEN YOU'RE A CYNIC

Logical Progression

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

What am I living for? I'm a little middle-class Asian kid whose parents want him to be the typical math/science grind. I have no leadership qualities whatsoever. Am I ever going to amount to anything?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Fuck, I'm not going to amount to anything. I know that. Anybody who cares knows that. Fuck, what am I going to do, change the world? Colleges know that. Do they want another reclusive little fuck who isn't going to do shit?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

I'm going to end up in a dead-end job somewhere where I'll be commemorated for being able to follow directions. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why I couldn't do better.

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Can I help people? Couldn't I, you know, become a doctor or something? Fuck yeah, and how many people would I actually help? If I'm not there, someone else will fill that spot. I'm not special. I find it difficult to accept that. What kills people isn't disease, it's other people. War. Complacency. Elitism. Fuck. I can't reform humanity. Why can't I?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

The Comedian had it right. There's nothing I can do but laugh at this sick joke. I wish I didn't know.

Goddamn conscience needs steroids

In which I ramble muchly

Holy shit I haven't written in a while. Alright. Lessee. November.
Went to MIT Splash, met some awesome CTYers from LAN. That was fucking awesome. Took Randall Munroe's class, now have his autograph posted above my bed. Pretty much two days of CTY again. I don't remember much else about November. Oh wait I got a pretty awesome Splash! shirt. Hm.

December. School's school, as always. Started talking to an old friend again, re-realized how amazing she was. Shit. Attraction is bad news for me. Met up with her and some other old friends for New Year's, watched Avatar (which was pretty rad) and played wild ping-pong. Also, I have a hat now!

January. Well, it's just started, hasn't it? School's starting again in a few days. Shit. There was a lot of stuff I didn't do. Shit. Regrets already? Fuck. I don't regret not doing things I should have, I regret not doing more of things I shouldn't have.

On-topic ramblings to the title. I'm spoiled and selfish and everything terrible, and I don't fucking do anything about it. Yeah, when I think about it, I berate myself for not being more grateful, but I'm not. I never am. I take everything I have for granted. Shit. There are people out there who deserve more. I deserve much less than I get. How do I fix this? Shit. I don't know.