Don't

I'm addicted to distraction. As a privileged little child of suburbia, there's a lot I should be doing. I'm not doing much of that.

Time and time again, experience has taught me that I can procrastinate on anything and expect to 'do well,' thanks to lax expectations and basic memorization skills. Homework? No problem. Menial chores? Sure. Notes? Yep. Studying for tests? Definitely. Social life? I'll get around to it eventually. The habits I've built up over my short span of time in this mortal coil are horrible. I've been able to do anything expected of me so far in a lazy, nonchalant manner with no problem at all.

What happens, then, when I venture out into the realm of independence and actual responsibility? With my tendencies toward actual thinking and work, how the hell do I expect to survive? I don't give a shit about anything because I've never had to. I don't accomplish anything worthwhile because I've never had to. I don't strive beyond what is expected by authority figures because I've never had to.

I'm starting to feel the effects of all this in my second year of high school. There's no reason why I shouldn't be working on scholarships, volunteering, or in any manner actually enriching myself. Instead I'm content to be mediocre, to remain complacent and go with the crowd, to complete the bare minimum and dare to say I've accomplished something. I'm not helping people. I'm not helping the community. I'm not helping myself. I'm not helping fucking anything as I while away the time, leeching off life like a horrid parasite on the rest of the world.

You know what the worse part is? I'm conscious of all this. I know I can do more. I know that I'm not. I know I can try. I know that I'm not. There's so much potential for something good here utterly wasted that it sickens me. And yet, I still haven't done anything about it. It's just so terribly bitterly ironic that I laugh, but yet I still don't do anything. Accomplishment is within my reach, within the dignity of man.

So why don't I? I can, if anybody else can. But I don't. What can I blame? Is it simply me? Can I place the onus on genetics? That's not fair to my parents. What about my environment? Has being raised decadently in a middle-class role killed my motivation? But my brother's accomplished. He lived in the same house, the same room, the same school, and accomplished far more than what I have now. Was it public school? The state of being force-fed busy work and basic information as boredom consumed me? And yet there are individuals who've worked through complacent circumstances to challenge themselves. Why don't I? Why is this in my nature? I'm able to question it but I don't try to change anything?

Where the hell is my motivation?