Upon the Gears

I've been getting a kinda "fuck the system" vibe recently. Hah, me? Shake off the chains of society?

I hate the College Board. Nothing against the people, yet, just against the institution. The SAT sucks. It's not even a reliable measure of the aptitude it claims to measure. It measure socioeconomic status, and that's it. Of course I'm exaggerating the point, I always do. But seriously, what the fuck? If you can afford SAT prep classes, you take them, and you get a better score as a result. The SAT, hell, the ACT, which is also made by the College Board -- they utterly fail at distilling academic ability into a single number. Why do universities even use this shit? Not to mention the cost. The Board has a monopoly on the standardized test market and milks the fuck out of us for it.

Did I mention Advanced Placement classes and tests? Motive: educate students at a higher level. Is that what's happening? Maybe. Maybe not. What I see? AP prepares us for the college application rather than college. Cram and cram a college course into high school, make them take a single test as a measure of their skill in the course, and BAM. Knowledge learned and forgotten. The AP system simply becomes another few bonus points in the pockets of 'motivated' students on their application.

This has become, essentially, a disorganized rant. I'll end it now. People are dicks.

Deception

Why does hiding my life from my parents come so easily now?

I am disgustingly cold toward them, appreciate nothing they give me, hold them at arm's distance constantly, and do not reciprocate their love.

Why?

Has it just become habit after years of simply not telling them what I actually do?

Do I fear that opening myself up to anybody will hurt both of us?
Do I judge them because I see too much of myself in them?

Do I simply think they don't understand me and never will?
Do I hate them because I don't know who better to hate?
Do I hate them?

Do I set my expectations of them too high?
Do I blame them for my own faults?

Am I incapable of empathy?

Am I incapable of love?

On Cubes

I wish the world was more like cubing. Give me a problem and a few minutes, a few turns in the right order, and hey! problem solved. I was never good at solving problems.

Life's more like a cube where somebody's messed up the stickers for you, or tried to cheat at it and now the stickers are falling off, or one of those that you just can't turn.

fffff

Phoebe says Ms. Mills sucks.

Logical Progression 3

Fuck, why am I such a cocky bastard to assume that the world even needs any bit of my help in the first place?

Logical Progression 2

GUYS SELF ESTEEM IS HARD WHEN YOU'RE A CYNIC

Logical Progression

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

What am I living for? I'm a little middle-class Asian kid whose parents want him to be the typical math/science grind. I have no leadership qualities whatsoever. Am I ever going to amount to anything?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Fuck, I'm not going to amount to anything. I know that. Anybody who cares knows that. Fuck, what am I going to do, change the world? Colleges know that. Do they want another reclusive little fuck who isn't going to do shit?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

I'm going to end up in a dead-end job somewhere where I'll be commemorated for being able to follow directions. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why I couldn't do better.

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

Can I help people? Couldn't I, you know, become a doctor or something? Fuck yeah, and how many people would I actually help? If I'm not there, someone else will fill that spot. I'm not special. I find it difficult to accept that. What kills people isn't disease, it's other people. War. Complacency. Elitism. Fuck. I can't reform humanity. Why can't I?

Good grades and scores lead to a good college which leads to a good job which ultimately leads to a good life.

The Comedian had it right. There's nothing I can do but laugh at this sick joke. I wish I didn't know.